Something for Nothing

     I’ve heard a lot of talk lately about coupons.  It seems you can’t turn on the TV, pick up a magazine, or walk into a store without hearing something about coupons.  No one can even agree on how to pronounce the word.  I’ve heard “KOO-puns”, “KOO-pawns”, “CUE-pawns”, “CUE-puns”, and one guy with a sweater around his shoulders and pesto in his cart who said, “koo-PAWN-ays”.  I don’t understand the hype.  Yes, it’s amazing to walk out of a store with a trunk full of items that only cost a few dollars, but what exactly are you getting in those bags?

      I watched that show, “Coupon Outlandishness” (or whatever it’s called) and became more confused than ever.  One lady walked out of her local grocery store with 2,000 sports drinks, 200 bottles of lotion, 67 bags of flavored coffee, 34 sticks of antiperspirant, and 109 pouches of substandard-super-salty-this-is-insanely-gross-only-eat-in-case-of-nuclear-apocalypse-sorta-kinda-pork-flavored noodles.  As she squealed that her “grocery bill” was a mere $12, I really had to wonder what she fed her family.  I mean, how many ways can you prepare sports drinks and substandard-super-salty-this-is-insanely-gross-only-eat-in-case-of-nuclear-apocalypse-sorta-kinda-pork-flavored noodles? 

     As the cameras followed this savvy shopper back to her hoard, I was appalled by what I saw.  She had enough pre-packaged foods to start her own war-time staples repository.  She, her family, her extended family, her neighborhood, and every kid at her son’s school will never, ever need to buy lotion thanks to her.  Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of bottles of lotion filled her shelves as she beamed about her “grocery store” basement.  Sure, everybody you have ever met will be glowing with deeply-moisturized firmness, but what are they going to eat?  I’m serious!  I have seen coupons for substandard-super-salty-this-is-insanely-gross-only-eat-in-case-of-nuclear-apocalypse-sorta-kinda-pork-flavored noodles, toiletry items, diapers, candles, and maybe even the occasional canned vegetable, but I have never seen a coupon for a fresh vegetable, a cut of fresh meat, a piece of raw fruit, or a bag of potatoes.  Never.  Do these people and their fabulous $50 monthly grocery bills ever eat anything that doesn’t require a can opener or a paring knife to “slit plastic over blueberry crumble before microwaving”?

      On top of limited choices, these people dedicate MASSIVE amounts of time to their coupon obsession.  If you can save your family money on groceries, that’s fabulous.  But I would think one would have to ask himself this question: “If I am sending my child to the bottom of a dumpster to save 10 cents on my purchase of 3 or more liver cheese dog snacks, has my money-saving obsession become my master?” 

      Some might say that I’m just jealous that I don’t stock my pantry for pennies a month.  That may be partly true.  I pride myself on having a fully stocked pantry filled with items purchased at a bulk discount, but I do not let it take over my life.  I have never, and will never, give Buttercup the old “heave-ho” over the side of a dumpster to rescue a poor little 20 cent “koo-PAWN-ay” that someone carelessly tossed out.  I’ve never had much luck with coupons anyway.  All of my local stores put strict limits on the type, number, and amount of coupons and they don’t care if you pitch a fit over it.  One store accepts coupons printed with color ink ONLY.  The other store down the street accepts coupons printed with black ink ONLY.  The store in the middle says 20 coupons per customer, per day, and they welcome you to take your business elsewhere if you disagree.  I guess it’s where I live, but the guests on “Coupon Outlandishness” would never survive here.  These stores prefer you use their “in-store” deals, but I’ve never had much luck with those either, and it’s probably because I read the fine print: "Buy One Apple, Get a FREE STEAK!!!" (Apple must be a Granny Smith not more than 4 inches in diameter that has been mistakenly marked with a Banana-King banana sticker. "Free Steak" refers to the manner in which it was raised as cows are free range on an open prairie in Kansas somewhere.  Steak may not exceed 2 oz. in weight and must contain a ridge of fat at least 3 inches deep to qualify.  Apples marked with Banana-Queen banana stickers do not qualify.  Coupons not valid on this offer.  Sorry, no rain checks and pennies cannot be accepted as a valid form of payment.)

     But hey, if coupons are their stock in trade, let them have at it.  They can enjoy all the substandard-super-salty-this-is-insanely-gross-only-eat-in-case-of-nuclear-apocalypse-sorta-kinda-pork-flavored noodles their hearts could ever desire.  I'm having homemade Sausage and Peppers for dinner tonight ... and I didn't use a "koo-PAWN-ay".      

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Alphabet™: The “ABC’s” of Murphy’s Law

A - After you buy something full price, it will go on sale at 75% off.

B - Borrow something from a neighbor or your in-laws and it will immediately start smoking and blow up. 

C - Cut your last piece of cloth, ribbon, tape, etc., and it will be a quarter-inch too short. 

D - Dip biscotti in coffee and whether or not the end falls off into the cup depends entirely upon the importance of the person sitting across from you.       

E - Expect to step into the only mud puddle in the tri-state region on the one day you decided to step out of the house in silk shoes.   

F - Forget a name and be sure that person will remember you from that job where you got fired.  

G - Go for a walk on a sunny day and a sudden torrential downpour will plaster your hair to your scalp while you’re running like mad for shelter. 

H - Have your spouse’s boss over for dinner and he will be allergic to the dog, the centerpiece, and half the menu.  

I - Impress someone with your abilities, candor, skills, or wit and there will always be someone right behind to tell you about the poppy seeds in your teeth.    

J - Junk: that useless crap you throw away 2 days before you need it.    

K - Knowing the answer does not guarantee that someone won’t change the question. 

L - Look stunningly beautiful in public and you will not see a soul you know.   Look like a frazzled, un-showered mental patient and you will run into your friends, your family, your kid’s tutor, your ex-boyfriend, your third grade teacher…

M - Mention a commercial you thought was funny and not only will no one know what on earth you’re talking about, the darn TV/radio station will never play it again. 

N - Nothing sends you to your deathbed faster than saying, “Who, me?  Nah, I never get the flu.”

O - Open a new jar of mayonnaise and you’ll suddenly find 3 more in the refrigerator.

P - Phone a friend you haven’t seen in a while and whatever the time of day, you will be calling when they’re in the middle of fighting, sex, eating, or planning a funeral. 

Q - Quiet: knowing that your kids are up to something.

R - Running away from your problems only makes you tired with problems. 

S - Show up at work on time and nobody notices.  Show up late once and that’s the day the boss came in early.

T - Tell the world what a great kid you have and five minutes later, he’ll break a window.

U - Umbrella in hand means no rain.  Umbrella behind the couch, under the car seat, or left in the grocery store means rain so legendary the animals marching past you two-by-two will actually laugh at you.

V - Voice your opinion to a five year old and you’ll hear about it from the neighbors.

W - Wear a white shirt and someone will invariably serve spaghetti.

X - Xenophobic in-laws will show up unannounced on the night you planned to serve boeuf en croute. 

Y - Yo-yo: a child’s toy so simple even adults can’t do it.

Z - Zippers will hold your pants/skirt/jacket in perfect neatness … until you have to speak in front of a crowd. 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.