This Thanksgiving I am going to be thankful for all the usuals I take for granted: a house to live in, food to eat, a family to annoy me. But this year I’ve decided to add a few non-traditional entries to the list. Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Weird Crap I’m Actually Thankful For list:
13) I’m thankful for the times my daughter gets sassy with me because I remember the days when she was intubated and couldn’t make a sound. The silence was deafening.
12) I’m thankful for the countless hours my husband ignores me, because while he’s asleep in the recliner, at least he’s not at a bar ignoring someone with a cuter butt.
11) I’m thankful for badly-timed phone calls from annoying relatives because calling means they aren’t close enough to drop by.
10) I’m thankful for thin hair that takes 3 minutes to style because it gives me more time to skip and jump.
9) I’m thankful none of the restaurants in town can manage to produce a decent glass of sweet tea because it forces me to drink more tap water and really focus on tackling this darn fluoride deficit I’ve been battling.
8) I’m thankful for parents who “count” to their children in public with no intentions of ever following through because by the time they get to 211/16, I’ve caught up on all those prayers I’ve been meaning to say.
7) I’m thankful for the stereotypes about fat chicks, Southerners, and Christians because it helps me to remember that those skinny atheist vegans are all alike.
6) I’m thankful for people who scream on their cell phones in public because it reminds me that it is worth the struggle to teach my daughter the defunct tradition of basic etiquette.
5) I’m thankful for 90 lb., 20 year old blondes parading around on the arms of middle-aged men because it reminds me of three key points: 1) Curves equal power, 2) Age equals wit, 3) The fact that my husband loves me for my brain makes me as scared of head trauma as the 90 lb. blondes are of carbs.
4) I’m thankful for stale bread because it gives the birds in my yard a momentary diversion from the fun of dive-bombing my car.
3) I’m thankful for bombastic fish stories spewing forth from every paunchy, bald, mid-life crisis sufferer at the restaurant because it makes me less irritated at my own husband for being shy and silent in public.
2) I’m thankful for the IRS because I’ve always had such a hard time wondering what to do with all my extra money.
1) I’m thankful for the dust in my house because dust is primarily comprised of human skin cells, which means I can rest assured there will always be a naked man behind my couch.
© Bertha Grizzly 2011. All Rights Reserved. No duplication or distribution.