Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Holiday Traditions I Just Don’t Get

     I love holidays.  Any excuse to throw a party, have people over, or celebrate something is OK by me.  I love our traditions and the silly personalized bits we have added to them over the years.  But have you ever stopped to ponder the origins of our traditions?  I have.  I never thought about how silly some of this seems until I sat down and pondered.  (I use my time wisely.)  

     Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Holiday Traditions I Just Don’t Get list:

13) “Happy New Year!  Let’s get plastered while we watch every goober in Times Square drop to one knee and propose.”     

12) “Happy St. Valentine’s Day!  Here’s some overpriced flowers and a box of stale chocolate because I need a greeting card company to remind me that I love you.”   

11) “St. Patrick’s Day.  Why bother remembering a sainted missionary when we can all pretend to be Irish and get plastered on green beer?!  Blarney!”      

10) “Happy Easter!  Let’s go to church for the first time since Christmas.  Then we can go to grandma’s house to eat ham and make total idiots of ourselves playing ‘Hide-n-Seek’ with empty plastic eggs.”

9) “We’re expecting triplets!  And I’m not sure if they belong to my husband.  And our house burned down.  And your shoe is untied.  April Fools!  Wait ... what’s with the gun?  I was just kidding!  I’m sorry!!”         

8) “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  Would you rather we destroy the kitchen making dinner so you can clean half the night, or would you rather stand in line for 2 hours waiting on a sub-par buffet that ran out of prime rib before we got here?  This is your day so we’ll let you decide.  Take your time.”       

7) “Happy Father’s Day, Dad!  I hope you can stay awake long enough to open this necktie.  It looks like the one we gave you last year except the stripe is diagonal instead of horizontal.  Dad?  Great.  He fell back asleep.”  

6) “Hey!  It’s your birthday!  Let’s embarrass you with a horrible, off-key song, set your dessert on fire, and clap while you blow on it!”         

5) “It’s the Fourth of July!  Let’s celebrate our independence!  We’ll cook meat outside then set stuff on fire.  But be sure to bring an umbrella ... it’s rained every single July Fourth since the twelfth century BC.”      

4) “It’s Labor Day.  Let’s celebrate our employment by not going.” 

3) “Boo!  Happy Halloween!  To celebrate spookiness and being scared, I’m going to dress up like a hooker ... or a nun with a ruler ... or a Trekkie ... That oughta scare the pants off anybody.”        

2) “It’s Thanksgiving, time to remember all we have and be grateful for it.  But if they make me eat dark meat, or sit next to Cousin Hester, or if they put garlic butter on those rolls again, I’m storming out.”         

1) “Merry Christmas!  I can’t quite remember your name, but I went into debt buying this pre-assembled gift basket of cheap chocolate and stinky bubble bath.  Wait ... your name is Pamela?  Oh that basket is for somebody else.  Here’s the plastic/vinyl picture frame I got for you.”      

© Bertha Grizzly 2012.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Dumb Things People Say When They Find Out I’m a Writer

     One of the first questions an acquaintance will usually ask is, “So what do you do?”  I usually assume they mean, “what do I do for a living” so I answer with, “I’m a writer”.  If I answered with, “I’m a world-renowned brain surgeon” or “I teach disabled children”, the response might be one of awe or admiration.  If I answered with, “I tame lions” or “I’m a candy taster”, the response might be one of extreme interest.  When I answer with, “I’m a writer”, I often wonder if I mistakenly said, “I sit on a park bench and stare at my thumb nail.”  People have no clue what to say, so they start to babble.  I think I’ve heard just about everything.

     Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Dumb Things People Say  When They Find Out I’m a Writer list:

13) “You’re a writer?  Like, at a bookstore?”  No.  I’m a writer, like, at my computer in yoga pants and a Muppets T-shirt.     

12) “Do you have an assistant to write for you?”  What?!  I do my own writing, t hank you very much.  And if I did have an assistant, I think I would have that person clean my house so I could write more.   

11) “I bet you are rich since you’re famous!”  I started this column with nothing and I still have most of it left.  And if I’m famous, I really need to have a talk with the deli manager at Local Grocery for how long they make me wait for a half-pound of corned beef.    

10) “Can you introduce me to famous people?”  Part of me wants to answer with “for a fee”.  Another part of me wants to smack you across the forehead.  Do I look like Truman Capote?

9) “I be you get to travel a lot!”  Uhh, does a jaunt into town to buy dog food count as “travelling”?       

8) “I bet The Yankee is your biggest fan!”  Actually, no.  The Yankee is vaguely aware I have “a column thingy”, as he calls it, but he cannot locate it on the Internet nor is he even remotely interested in its content.       

7) “I bet you have crowds who want your autograph.”  Only when it’s time to sign the credit card receipt.  

6) “You’re a writer?!  Oh my gosh, do you get people sending bottles of wine to your table at restaurants?!”  I don’t think the drive-thru at the Sammich Hut is allowed to sell alcohol.       

5) “How do you come up with your characters?”  I live with these people.  No, I’m serious.      

4) “All this ridiculous stuff happens to you, I bet you laugh a lot!”   Guess again. 

3) “Do you really have an autistic daughter?”  Actually, I have a son named Filbert who’s been locked in his room playing Pogs since 1992.  I just thought an imaginary autistic daughter would make a fun pastime.      

2) “You’re a writer?  I’ve never heard of you.”  I said “writer” ... not Pulitzer Prize winning author.       

1) “I could never be a writer.  Nothing interesting ever happens to me.”  I have news for you.  “Interesting” depends entirely upon your perspective.  If you spend your life down in the dumps, staring at your feet, you will never see the interesting.  If you search for drama in every aspect of life like some redneck with trailer park hair, you run the risk of dramatizing every boring, minute detail of the excruciatingly mundane.  Look up, open your eyes, and don’t read into everything.  You may be shocked by how much “interesting” you really have around you.    

© Bertha Grizzly 2012.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Conversation Starters That Don’t Help

     There are as many different conversation styles as there are people in the world, but some elements are universal: the art of exchanging ideas, the transfer of information from one person to another, the tone of voice that indicates mood and intent … these are the elements we can easily identify.  But what about those people who resort to pat sentences meant to ease difficult situations?      

     Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Conversation Starters That Don’t Help list:

13) “We need to talk.”  A classic, but it still sucks.  Don’t scare me like that.  If you need to talk, then start talking.     

12) “You may not like this.”  Thank you for warning me in advance, but I would really prefer to make up my own mind.  

11) This isn’t easy.”  How difficult you perceive the delivery of the message to be is not going to lessen the severity of the bomb you’re about to drop in my lap.  

10) “Before I say anything, just know I love you.”  If what you have to say is so horrible you feel the need to preface it with reassurances of fondness, you are probably wasting your breath.

9) “You know how much I love you, but …”  This one is similar to the last one except worse because it ends in “but”, and in case you weren’t aware, “but” has a tendency to undo everything that came before it.       

8) “Thank you for _______, however …”  This one usually comes in the form of a letter or e-mail from someone too chicken to say it to your face.  “Thank you for the candy you spent $55 and 6 hours making, but I’m allergic.”  “Thank you for your book submission, however we have no intentions of publishing the rants of a quasi-nutty college dropout.”  “Thank you for your brilliant idea to raise money for our church, however we think an octogenarian beefcake calendar would not be in the best interest of our parishioners.”       

7) “OK, here’s the thing.”  Grammatically, linguistically, this means nothing.  But in our culture, it is usually the precursor to excuses bordering on the bizarre. 

6) “I’m not sure how to say this.”  What you have to say is so unpleasant you can barely find the words?  This would be one of the rare times I would rather be surprised.  Just blindside me, I’m begging you.       

5) “I regret to inform you …”  Usually there is very little “regret” involved.  Either you have absolved yourself of all emotional responsibility, or you were sent by someone else and were therefore never emotionally involved to begin with.     

4) “Just hear me out.”   If you have to warn me in advance that what you have to say is so terrible/complex that I might be tempted to interrupt, I seriously doubt you could stop me. 

3) There’s good news and bad news.”  Another classic that still sucks.  The good news is never good enough to outweigh the bad news, so let’s just skip this insipid little preview and move right to the feature, shall we?     

2) “Don’t get mad.”  At this point, you’re probably too late.      

1) “You’re gonna laugh at this.”  Yeah, don’t count on it.   

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Weird Crap I’m Actually Thankful For

     Thanksgiving.  Turkey Day.  That yearly overload of turkey, pumpkins, and relatives.  Whatever you want to call it, Thanksgiving is a time for reflection and true gratitude for the many ways we are blessed and a reminder to be a blessing to others whenever possible. 

     This Thanksgiving I am going to be thankful for all the usuals I take for granted: a house to live in, food to eat, a family to annoy me.  But this year I’ve decided to add a few non-traditional entries to the list.  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Weird Crap I’m Actually Thankful For list:

13) I’m thankful for the times my daughter gets sassy with me because I remember the days when she was intubated and couldn’t make a sound.  The silence was deafening. 

12) I’m thankful for the countless hours my husband ignores me, because while he’s asleep in the recliner, at least he’s not at a bar ignoring someone with a cuter butt. 

11) I’m thankful for badly-timed phone calls from annoying relatives because calling means they aren’t close enough to drop by.

10) I’m thankful for thin hair that takes 3 minutes to style because it gives me more time to skip and jump.

9) I’m thankful none of the restaurants in town can manage to produce a decent glass of sweet tea because it forces me to drink more tap water and really focus on tackling this darn fluoride deficit I’ve been battling.

8) I’m thankful for parents who “count” to their children in public with no intentions of ever following through because by the time they get to 2¹¹/₁₆, I’ve caught up on all those prayers I’ve been meaning to say.

7) I’m thankful for the stereotypes about fat chicks, Southerners, and Christians because it helps me to remember that those skinny atheist vegans are all alike. 

6) I’m thankful for people who scream on their cell phones in public because it reminds me that it is worth the struggle to teach my daughter the defunct tradition of basic etiquette. 

5) I’m thankful for 90 lb., 20 year old blondes parading around on the arms of middle-aged men because it reminds me of three key points: 1) Curves equal power, 2) Age equals wit, 3) The fact that my husband loves me for my brain makes me as scared of head trauma as the 90 lb. blondes are of carbs. 

4) I’m thankful for stale bread because it gives the birds in my yard a momentary diversion from the fun of dive-bombing my car. 

3) I’m thankful for bombastic fish stories spewing forth from every paunchy, bald, mid-life crisis sufferer at the restaurant because it makes me less irritated at my own husband for being shy and silent in public. 

2) I’m thankful for the IRS because I’ve always had such a hard time wondering what to do with all my extra money. 

1) I’m thankful for the dust in my house because dust is primarily comprised of human skin cells, which means I can rest assured there will always be a naked man behind my couch.

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: MORE Questions for the Ages

     As with many of my blog posts and Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ^TM lists, I was amazed at how many of you responded!  It is nice to  know that I am not the only one privy to the weirdness around us.  It is in your honor, dear loyal readers, that I present to you installment number two in my Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ^TM Questions for the Ages list.   

13) Why do the movie versions of Jesus and space aliens always have British accents?  The last time I checked, Jesus was from Bethlehem and Captain Zorfz-Chaputdnk was from the deserted planet Hwoaf-Nert.  How in the world did the Brits get there before we did? 

12) Why do stores start carrying Christmas items in August, but have it all cleared out by December 28 to make room for swimsuits?  As weird as it may feel to buy ornaments in the summer heat, it can’t possibly be any more bizarre than shopping for beachwear in the midst of a snowstorm.   

11) Who invented baby washcloths?  One trip through the wash and they permanently roll up to the approximate diameter of a breadstick.  Ever tried washing a baby with a breadstick?    

10) Why do meat prices fluctuate based on popularity?  When I was a kid, stores were practically giving away chicken wings and hamburger meat, while “loin of pork” was reserved for extremely special company.  Now, chicken wings are ridiculously expensive, hamburger meat is almost the same price as a steak, and “loin of pork” is dirt cheap.  I say we all join forces and drive the popularity of scrapple through the roof so prime rib will become the new bologna.   

9) Why was Mike Brady such a bad architect?  Think about it: the man was an idiot.  He’s got six kids, a wife, and a housekeeper, yet he builds a 3-bedroom house and makes the maid to sleep in the kitchen.  What’s worse than that is the fact that the kids have to share a bathroom with pocket doors separating the two rooms.  You’d be waiting for hours just to pee.  That office he built for himself was bigger than the two bedroom/one bathroom combo the kids had to share.  

8) Why do we have to be so politically correct about everything?  I for one absolutely, positively, defiantly REFUSE to say “snowperson”.  Unless it’s wearing snowflake earrings and an icicle tiara, I will continue to refer to it as a snowMAN.  I am a proud member of MANkind, I have no insecurities or offenses being a committee chairMAN, and I will forever think of Frosty as a snowMAN.  Snowperson.  Barf.     

7) Why are women’s products and services so much more expensive than men’s?  My hair is the same length as the paper boy and I’ll bet a week’s worth of wet newspapers he spends less on his mane than I do on mine. 

6) Why is every accident/disease/misfortune on earth “the leading cause of death” for some group or another?  Being run over by a truck is the number one cause of death for plastered college students who wrap themselves in black lawn and leaf bags and lay in the middle of the road at 4am.  Being smothered by a fat chick is the number one cause of death for size-2 sales ladies who roll their eyes and snort, “Oh, we don’t carry anything in this store to fit your butt.”   

5) Why do advertisers feel the need to make numbers sound bigger or smaller than they really are?  I heard a commercial for a used car lot that screamed, “We have over seven models to choose from!!!!!!”  Over seven?  You mean like eight?  Or how about those pay-by-the-month plans for various services and products that boast, “Less than a dollar a day!”  Aaaaaand what does that mean exactly?  Twenty-nine ninety-five perhaps?  What about February?

4) Why do we confuse the heck out of our children?  I once had a friend who would say, “No-no for babies” whenever her kid would reach for the DVD player, but would turn around and say, “You’re not a baby!” when he would cry for his pacifier.  It is any wonder we have kids throwing tantrums of frustration when they’re little and then growing up to rob convenience stores?

3) Why is there really no such thing as “speed dry” nail polish?  Every brand, every shade, every formula … it’s the same story.  It’s like wearing modeling clay on your fingernails.  Sure, it might be “dry” in the academic sense in that it is no longer technically “wet”, but one false move and your “dry” polish is permanently dented, misshapen, or formed into some other-worldly origami.  Forget “speed dry”.  I want “dent proof”.     

2) Why have restaurants given names to their dishes longer than the roll call in first grade?  Honestly, they are more like a description than an actual name.  I mean, how stupid do you feel ordering?  “Yes, I’ll have the Seared Brined Chicken Breast with Hearts of Palm and Wilted Bok Choy Smothered in a Farm Fresh Organic Cream Sauce Enhanced by the Natural Juices of the Seared Brined Chicken Breast Served Over a Side of Creamy, Butter-Kissed Garlic Potatoes Accompanied by a Steamed Seasonal Vegetable Medley Lightly Seasoned with Fresh Herbs and Truffle Butter, please”. 

1) Why do dating websites never show those disgustingly happy couples after they’ve been married for 10 years?  This is the true test of how well their “matching system” works.  Wait until they’ve been together so long that she’s got stretch marks from so many kids, he “helps out” by sweeping the garage, their grocery budget is $35 a week, and they haven’t had sex since Dean Martin was on the Jerry Lewis telethon … if they still like each other, THEN you can tell me how great your website is.

 © Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: MORE Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die

     Some time ago, I posted a Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™ list called “Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die”.  I was SHOCKED by how many of my readers responded!  Evidently, I am not the only one whose eyes have been permanently traumatized, and I thank you for your group-therapy mentality and comforting words.     

      You challenged me to take another look around and report more of the cornea-searing, lip-snarling blunders I encountered.  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s MORE Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die:

13) Overalls.  Do you work on a farm?  Are you a firefighter?  Are you a 2-year old boy?  Are you channeling “Kriss Kross” at a retro-themed Halloween party?  No?  Then STOP wearing overalls.  They are not flattering and you look ridiculous.     

12) Flip flops with a shirt and tie.  I love flip flops as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place for everything.  This particular combination is not only stupid, it looks like your house caught fire while you were getting ready for work and those flip flops were the only shoes you could grab before the flaming roof fell on your head.

11) Mullet.  I’ve heard it referred to as “party in the front, business in the back”.  Bull.  It’s just ugly all over. 

10) White socks with black shoes.  There is a good reason Hollywood dresses its stereotypical nerd characters in this combination.  I realize white socks are abundant, but stores do sell black ones.

9) Short, short, shorts with a long, long shirt.  In case you weren’t aware, this particular combination makes people think you are out in public with nothing but a shirt on and need to be carted back to the mental facility as soon as possible.  If this is the look you are going for, then you need to be carted back to the mental facility as soon as possible.       

8) Over-tweezed eyebrows.  For years, I was certain this sin belonged to elderly women, but now I am seeing younger girls doing it!  What is the allure of having an eyebrow that looks like a half-inch section of dryer lint and glue was trapped over your eye?      

7) Pants under a skirt/dress.  This one is so bizarre, I can barely fathom it.  I’m not talking about tights, hose, or even stirrup pants … I’m talking a skirt or a dress with real, live, honest-to-goodness pants underneath.  I once saw a girl out in public who had on the prettiest dress I’d ever seen.  It wasn’t too fussy, the print was subtle, and the wrap front was gorgeous.  As I lamented my insane height that would surely render that hemline somewhere slightly below my belly button, the girl stepped out from behind the table where she had been standing.  Underneath this dream of a dress was a pair of corduroy pants, frayed cuffs and all.  I wanted to cry. 

6) Curlers and a head scarf.  We all know your hair is up in curlers, so don’t think the scarf is hiding that fact.  I’m all for multi-tasking, but if you have to simultaneously do your hair and shop for groceries, it’s time to loosen up the schedule a little bit.       

5) White tights on anyone over 8 years old.  I actually saw this in public and I cried a little.  I’m not certain where a grown woman can even find white tights in adult sizes, but that company should be ashamed of itself.     

4) Sockless penny loafers with shorts.  Restaurants, amusement parks, shopping malls: they are crawling with middle-aged men who think this is a good look.  Well, it’s not. 

3) Matching outfits.  This might be cute on newborn twins.  It might promote unity on a sports team.  But if you and your spouse are dressed that way on purpose, don’t be surprised when no one on earth takes you seriously.     

2) Helmet hair.  I love hairspray.  I grew up in a hairspray-loving family.  Nanny used to fog up in enough hairspray to freeze Air Jordan mid-dunk.  But seriously, if you have so much glue in your hair that it becomes a crunchy, rigid monument affixed to your scalp, you have not fooled anyone into thinking you have perfect hair.     

1) The water-balloon.  I will not be the one to point fingers, so I will simply make a statement: Spandex has its limits.  Spandex is not a replacement for a girdle.  Spandex cannot hide hail-damaged thighs that look like a cross between corn pudding and a hand-hammered wok.  

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: What Not to Say to the Parents of an Autistic Child

     Having lived with Buttercup’s autism for some years now, I have heard just about everything anyone could possibly invent.  Some helpful, some kind, a lot stupid.  (I will warn you in advance: given the circumstances, you must forgive me a bit of excess snark.)  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the What Not to Say to the Parents of an Autistic Child list:

13) “He/She can’t have _________? (fill in the blank with gluten, tomatoes, dairy or whatever exacerbates your individual child’s autism symptoms)  I could NEVER do that to my kid!”  Newsflash: I’m not doing it TO my kid.  I’m doing it FOR my kid.  If you knew that one food item caused your child to lose bowel control, the ability to form sentences, and the peace to sleep through the night, you would be a fool to feed it to him anyway.       

12) “I think that ‘autism’ thing is totally over-diagnosed.”  How do you “over-diagnose” something that is staring you in the face?  All tests, observations, and instincts point to autism, ergo, it’s probably autism.  How would you like it if you told me your mother had breast cancer and I said, “I think that ’cancer’ thing is totally over-diagnosed”?  You could knock me in the floor and there isn’t a jury alive that would convict you.  Have a little courtesy.

11) “Don’t scold her for hitting.  She’s autistic and can’t help it.”  Call her disabled.  Call her handicapped.  Call her different.  Just don’t call her helpless.  We have to make some allowances, but violence is not one of them.   

10) “If you’d just spank her once in a while, she’d stop repeating herself over and over and over.”  Wow!  Gee!!  Why didn’t I think of that?!!!?!  And while we’re at it, why don’t you spank your kid for saying “I wuv you” instead of “I love you”?  Like Nanny used to say, “That’ll learn him, dern him!”    

9) “Did she just hug you?!  Autistics can’t feel emotion!”  No, you’re confusing my child with your mother.      

8) “She can’t have autism!  Only boys get that.”  Thank you for your insight.  You might also be interested to know that men can’t have breast cancer, women can’t have biceps, boys can’t cry, and girls can’t do long division.   

7) “What do you mean I shouldn’t talk about him where he can hear?  He doesn’t understand anything.”  Yes, he most certainly does understand what you are saying.  He understands that you are talking about him in an unkind and unnecessary way.  He also understands that your manners could use some spit and polish.

6) “Those autism parents - they can’t wait to blame their bad parenting on something.”  You’re right; just like your child’s glasses are a manifestation of your refusal to feed her enough carrots.  And that kid in the wheelchair?  His parents were too lazy to teach him to walk.  And don’t even get me started on those useless hearing aids ... 

5) “Don’t be so hard on her.  It’s OK if she eats with her hands.”  I really do appreciate you trying to be understanding.  Truly, I do, but manners are a requirement of everyone.  She will not make it very far in life if she eats like a resident of the city zoo.  And I’m not “hard” on her; I am gently firm.

4) “I don’t think it’s fair for my child to be required to play with your child.  Your child’s behavior is so odd.”  If my kid has to put up with your kid picking his nose, screaming at the top of his lungs, and incessantly droning on and on about every nut and bolt that holds a train together, I see no reason why your child should be bothered by the fact that mine sorts his chicken nuggets by size before he eats them.       

3) “If I throw a box of toothpicks on the floor, can she tell me how many there are?!”  No.  Can you?   

2) “Autism is fashionable right now.  Just wait a few years.”  Wait.  Autism … is … fashionable.  Did I hear you correctly?  Because I’m sure you did not just stand there and call me an attention whore.  I’m certain that you have enough brain matter to realize that autism is not a fashion statement.  I am absolutely positive that you did not just tell me that the hours I have cried over my child’s struggles with bowel control and the inability to communicate were because I’m keeping up with the Joneses.  And wait a few years for what, pray tell?!  Until she comes to me one day and says, “You know, Ma, all those times I wanted to tell you I love you but couldn’t make my mouth say the words?  It was all a joke!”?  Oh, yes.  Autism is so en vogue.   

1) “No kid of mine would ever act that way.”  I sincerely hope not, because that would mean your child is autistic.  And from what I’ve gathered by our brief exchange, you aren’t strong enough to be a good parent.    

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Tips for Drivers

     Driving is like cooking: we’ve all attempted it at one point or another.  Some of us have a real knack, some of us get by, and some of us shouldn’t be allowed within 10 feet of trying.  Fabulous, mediocre, or just plain inept, driving is one of the unavoidable facets of our lives that we just have to learn to deal with.   

     Unfortunately, our own safety, blood pressure, and punctuality often depend largely on the skill or ineptitude of others.  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Tips for Drivers list:  

13) Taking corners on two wheels is stupid but so is slowing down to the point your speedometer is forced to display in fractions.  Two wheels = jerk.  Fractions = senile jerk.   

12) Slamming on the gas when I put on my signal light to change lanes is not only rude, it also wastes gasoline and puts you at your destination a mere .0000000004 seconds sooner.  Happy now?

11) The left lane is the passing lane.  It is not a mobile billboard for you to tout the über-righteousness of your rigid, never-speeding, compulsively law-abiding credo. 

10) If you have to talk, text, eat, apply makeup, change your pants, and drive all at the same time, you need to seriously loosen up your schedule there, partner.  You are not the wonder of a multi-tasker you think you are so just stop it before you hurt somebody. 

9) Yes, I realize the bambis and bunnies hang out on this side of town, but driving 35 mph under the speed limit so you can see them is a) pointless, b) rude, c) selfish, d) outright dangerous to humans.  Speed up or give your car to the poor, swear off bathing, and go live among the woodland critters.

8) Your car is running on fumes.  Guess what!  So is mine!  We have so much in common we should have lunch sometime!  So how come when I pull up behind you at the gas station, you stop at the first pump?  You couldn’t even pull forward 8 feet for me?  I thought what we had was special. 

7) Just because you have one hand on the wheel and one hand on the cell phone/GPS/kids’ DVD controls does not in any way excuse you from pretending your signal light is missing.   

6) I think it’s amazing you spent 4 months of child support payments on a stereo system that is worth three times as much as your car, and if you would like to be dependant upon hearing aids by the time you are 40, that is your business.  However, the fact that the bass is making the plastic, fiberglass, and loose mechanics of your pitiful car buzz and vibrate is not only irritating, it lets people know how little money you truly have.   

5) Don’t have GPS?  That’s OK!  Not familiar with this road?  Fine by me!  Not sure where you’re supposed to turn?  I totally understand.  PULL OVER to the shoulder or stop in a gas station for directions.  Slowing down to 11 mph while you swerve from lane to lane is rude, dangerous, and endlessly aggravating.

4) The speed limit on this highway is 70 mph.  I’m driving 77.  So why are you so far up my butt I can actually see your blackheads in my rearview mirror?!  Huh?!

3) Parking lots have “lanes” just like a regular road.  Do not cut the corner, turn into the lot, meet me head-on and then glare at me like I’m in your way.  Move over Grandpa!  The NERVE!!  And if you honk your horn, oh it’s just over.

2) I realize your 100 year old granny has a bad hip.  I understand she’s too proud for assistance so you have to let her out at the door.  But you, with your able-bodied legs, are perfectly capable of parking and walking to the door.  So why do you find it acceptable to park yourself in the fire lane, block traffic, and wait?  I bet you have a toilet paper wand because you’re too lazy to wipe your own rear end, don't you?!

1) You do realize your car has clear glass windows, right?  So why for the love of all that is sacred do you dig in your nose like a sino-nasal spelunker on a dare? 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: What Marriage Is Not

     Hundreds of books hit the shelves every year touting the miracles of marriage.  What it is, how to get it, how to improve on it, how to keep it, how to let it go, etc., but no one ever seems to tell us what marriage isn’t. 

     Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the What Marriage Is Not list.  Whether you think of marriage as floating down the aisle in yards of white tulle or find the entire prospect an outdated waste of time, here is my list of common misconceptions about the mystery of marriage:
 

13) A ceremony.  How many times have you watched those wedding shows on TV and thought, “These people have no idea what they’re getting themselves into!”  The wedding ceremony is such a small part of the marriage, it’s borderline negligible.  I’m all for a personal, deeply spiritual, yet jubilant party to celebrate the union of two individuals, but going into a marriage with the feeling that you will forever be a bride, be greeted each day with flowers and expressions of love from a hunk in a tux, and an exciting adventure at every turn is just setting yourself up for disappointment.  There’s a lot of penny pinching and dryer lint between “I do” and “’til death do us part”. 

 
12) A partnership of equals.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  When you get right down to it, we’re all 12 years old at heart.  Immaturity reigns supreme when tensions are high and the door is shut.  It is a partnership of two people who like to think of themselves as equals but secretly vow to melt that “equal partner” if he or she even thinks about taking the last fudgy donut.
 
11) A romance novel.  You aren’t “Valentina St. John, the stormy, voluptuous damsel with hair like a glossy raven” and he isn’t “Demetrius Harmon-Davies, the stubborn, strong warrior with a chiseled jaw and a primal desire for the damsel who refuses to be tamed”.  Puh-leez!  Maybe you’re Hortense, the pre-school teacher with horrible eyesight and an oversized collection of dolls.  Maybe he’s Larry, the pudgy plumber with a comb-over and this stupid, annoying, totally made-up aversion to onions.  Maybe you’re both so weird, you have the perfect relationship.  Whatever your story, just keep it in perspective.  Valentina and Demetrius live in a fantasy world that will never know the horrors of spoiled meat, annoying in-laws, furniture dust, poo-poo, empty bank accounts, or body image issues. 
 
10) A dictatorship.  Whenever two people are together, one person tends to be a bit more dominant than the other.  This is fine as long as no one person takes advantage of it.  I remember once a girlfriend of mine yelled in the next room to her husband, “HEY! Bring me some COFFEE!”  I looked at her, dumbfounded.  “Aren’t you at least going to say ’please’?” I asked her.  She snarled her lip, “What for?  It’s only him.”  And she wonders why he looks for any excuse to head out on his boat.    
 
9) A ledger book.  Yes, you’ve washed a million loads of laundry and he’s done exactly zero.  Yes, you’ve taken the garbage out every night for 35 years and she doesn’t even know where the extra bags are kept.  Yes, this one earns more money than that one and that one stomachs dog poop better than this one … but the point is NO ONE should be keeping score.  A marriage is about working together for the good of the household; not working to fill some points bank and see whose account balance is higher.      
 
8) A disposable diaper.  Marriage is not for us to unload our miseries, nitpick the flaws of the other person, scream when we don’t get our way, and then toss it aside for a shinier, newer relationship.         
 
7) A competition.  People get competitive over the stupidest stuff.  Who’s wound hurt worse.  Who has uglier feet.  Who’s mother is the biggest complainer.  Who cooked more dinners, who brought in more money, who squeezes the toothpaste wrong.  The point is, the more competitive you become, the less “us” there is to cherish.
 
6) A career.  Marrying for money?  Are you kidding me?!  Why not just sell babies on the black market … there’s more money to be had and it’s almost as cruel.   
 
5) A romantic comedy.  Chances are: he’s not going to stand in the rain and tearfully scream his love for you in the middle of a crowd as he begs you to love him back.  She’s not going to give you a half-dozen strapping sons and one of her kidneys and still look like one of the Spice Girls at 55.  There’s no background music, no quirky neighbors to bring you to your senses, no heart-wrenching, whispered soliloquy to be overheard at just the right moment.  This is real life and it is comprised of the choices we make.    
 
4) A cruise ship.  Marriage is an adventure, yes, but moments are not planned out for you.  There will be moments of mind-numbing boredom and monotony so oppressive you’ll pine for the excitement of a long line at the DMV.  Expect those moments, plan for those moments.  Do not use those moments as “proof” that your marriage is doomed. 
 
3) A piece of paper.  This argument just makes me laugh.  How many times have I heard someone say, “Marriage is just a piece of paper.”  Baloney.  Marriage is a contractual agreement between two parties.  Besides the usual stuff like love, respect, and friendship, it is the glue that holds a marriage together.  And believe me, there were a lot of times when that “piece of paper” was the only thing that kept me from throwing my hands in the air and screaming, “FINE!!  You deal with it alone then!  I’m going on a singles cruise!”       
 
2) The end.  OK, I’ll grant you it’s the end of dating, the end of living for yourself, the end of being alone.  But it isn’t the end of adventure.  It’s not the end of fun.  It’s not the end of excitement.  If anything, you have another person there to help in a bind.  A shoulder to cry on.  A buddy to laugh with.  A second income should you lose your job.  Yes, there will be boring moments and difficult times, but they are far from “the end”.     
 
1) A bad idea.  It takes work.  It takes commitment.  It takes work.  It takes a fierce determination.  It takes work.  Did I mention how much work it takes?  It’s a hard job, but it is not a bad idea.    
 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.