Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Ask Bertha

Dear Bertha,
            Are you really married to The Yankee?
             — Martin

Dear Martin,
             Thank you for asking.  No, I am not actually married to anyone.  I decided one day that I did not have enough turmoil in my life so I scoured the Internet for a remedy to this problem.  I found an overseas company specializing in television-addicted robots who prefer a lumpy recliner to an exciting evening out and can hibernate for an entire 3-day weekend.  I shopped the clearance page and got a discount for a discontinued model whose “Fine Arts” chip and hand-applied hair extension were missing, but had somehow ended up with two “stubbornness” routers.  He came with outdated clothes and plenty of baggage and I am so glad I decided not to get married.
             — Bertha

Dear Bertha,
            It sounds like you eavesdrop at restaurants.  Isn’t that rude?
             — Molly

Dear Molly,
            When I am dining alone, as I often do, I am not in a position to be distracted by conversation as my imaginary friend, Clovis, doesn’t like to talk in public.  If another diner is seated within earshot and insists on speaking at a decibel level similar to that of a gas-powered wood chipper, I find it difficult to ignore.  So the next time you are alone in your car at a stoplight and a kid in an $800 hatchback pulls alongside you blasting his $4,000 sound system, remember this: he is just trying to enjoy a good song.  You are eavesdropping.  How rude.
            — Bertha

Dear Bertha,
           I am a stay-at-home mom of three kids.  I cook, clean, and homeschool.  My husband says I don’t “work” because I don’t earn a paycheck.  How can I help him see me in a different light?
            — Kelly

Dear Kelly,
           Every time you do something, leave the jerk a bill.  As a paid employee (housekeeper, nanny, tutor, cook, laundress, seamstress, landscaper, referee, etc.) you are entitled to at least one day off per week.  Leave home at 6am and don’t return for 36 hours.  When you do come back, throw yourself in a recliner, screech “WHEW, WHAT A DAY!!” and go to sleep.  Yell at the kids if they breathe too loudly, then say, “What’s for dinner?”  If he doesn’t start seeing you in a “different light” after about a month, serve him lumpy oatmeal for dinner every night for the rest of his stupid life.  What’s he going to do?  Fire you?  If he tries, tell him you’re union and refuse to make his oatmeal.
            — Bertha 

Questions for Bertha?  E-mail with “Ask Bertha” in the subject line.  Be careful what you ask: good questions will be answered.  Stupid or negative questions may be deleted, ridiculed, or end up the un-credited, uncompensated, unwitting subject of a future blog post.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

© Bertha Grizzly 2012.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments become the sole property of Bertha Grizzly. Positive comments always welcome. Negative comments may be deleted, ridiculed, or made the uncredited, uncompensated, unwitting topic of a future blog post.