Friday, July 8, 2011

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Pre-Marital Wisdom

    Aahhh, weddings.  The tear-jerking romance every princess dreams of.  You float down the aisle in a killer dress.  Everyone watches as your prince pledges his undying love for you.  You leave for a whirlwind honeymoon to some exotic location and get home just in time to open mountains of gifts. It’s the beginning of a dream.

Then you wake up the next day and “life” starts. 

     Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s a Pre-Marital Wisdom list.  We’ve all heard horror stories about people getting married and discovering some shocking secret, but what if his secret is something no one else would find as upsetting as you do?  Here is the Bakers Dozen list of those things I wish I had known before I walked down the aisle:

13) If it annoys you now, it will turn you into Caligula later.  “That way he clears his throat is so irritating.”  Give it a few years and it morphs into, “If he clears his throat like that one more time, I’m going to rip his throat out and clear it for him.” 

12) Just because he goes antique shopping with you now does NOT mean that will continue.  He was trying to spend time with you, trying to show you that he cared about you, trying to prove how much he values you.  Now, you live in the same house.  His room is your room.  The antique shopping now becomes a "girl thing" he can’t wait to escape. 

11) When he said he “kinda likes Science Fiction movies”, what he really meant was, “After we get married, I will not ever, ever, no matter how much you cry or grumble, EVER watch a movie that takes place on planet Earth”.  This was an early attempt to show you what he is like when no one else is looking.  “I kinda like Science Fiction movies” is tantamount to when we said, “PMS makes me a little cranky”.  We failed to mention the screaming, the crying, and the butcher knife. 

10) What you value about him now will morph into pet peeves so deep it would take an exorcism to help you get over it.  That “boyish sense of humor” you love so much will become the immaturity that makes you want to crawl under the carpet at office parties.  Your dreamy sighs of “I so admire that he won’t be pushed around” will overnight fall to “I don’t think the man would bend an inch if God dropped a million dollars at his feet”.  “He really knows what he believes” very quickly turns into “Good lord if that pompous jerk gets on one of his political soap boxes at this dinner tonight, I’m going to dump the soup tureen in his lap accidently on purpose”. 

9) When you said, “I like Buffalo Wings”, he heard, “Buffalo Wings taste better than anything on the planet and I want to eat dozens and dozens of them every Friday night for the rest of our lives”.  And this is not limited to Buffalo Wings. It can include everything from car races, to football, to computer hunting games, and so on. 

8) His idea of “necessities” and yours will differ more than you ever thought possible.  I did not realize until I got married that a $79.99 “tool” that looks like a hollowed out tin can and is guaranteed to make your car fly, jump, or get 90 miles to the gallon is a necessity.  Who needs diapers, tampons, toothpaste, bleach, or potatoes when there’s THIS little beauty, huh?!!?

7) When he has a bad day, he will scream at you over something stupid like, “You folded my pants WRONG!!”  This is the time I wish I had known that screaming, “I’ll alert the French maid next time I see her” is not as helpful as it sounds.  Neither is unfolding every piece of clothing he owns and creating a wrinkled pile on the back deck.

6) He is a man, therefore everything he has ever done was faster, stronger, more dangerous, and infinitely more difficult than anything you have ever attempted, therefore your input is secondary.  “You grew up dirt poor? Big deal! I was in the Army.”  “Your periods were so heavy you fainted from anemia?  Oh, boo hoo.  I had a sliver of glass in this hand from rescuing my buddy’s dog/girlfriend/Babe Ruth autograph from a burning car.”  Payback comes in due time.  The secret smug grin you can parade in front of your girlfriends when you hear, “Well I guess you were right: that computer ad was a virus after all because my hard drive is history,“ is soooo worth the wait.

5) His “Mr. Fix-It” gene will shine like a polished doorknob when all you want is a listening ear.  “This baby has cried and cried and cried for the past 9 days in a row. I’m going nuts!” and he says, “Tell her to stop”.  Your first inclination will be to fly into a maniacal rage followed by a sarcastic, “Well gee, why didn’t I think of that”.  Just don’t do it.  Neither is helpful … I know because I’ve tried.  But if I hear some stupid “remedy” followed by a flippant, “There. Problem solved” one more time, I might have to do something drastic.

4) He will never, ever understand why you find his clothes offensive.  He doesn’t care one microgram what anyone thinks of his wrinkled T-shirt that is 2 sizes too big or his Napoleon Dynamite jeans that went out with joystick video games or his ratty hooded sweatshirt he throws on over the shirt and tie you finally convinced him to wear.  He really, really doesn't care what anyone thinks.  And, I hate to break it to you, but YOU qualify as “anyone”.

3) He truly doesn’t care what you look like.  If I had a million dollars of plastic surgery, shaved my head, lost 30 pounds, and wrapped myself in a flaming red bath towel, it would take him 5 hours to mutter, “Ummmm … newwww shoessss? maybe?”

2) What you call “being ignored” he calls “quality time”.  Yes, if allowed to hibernate for 6 months at a time, he would not hesitate for a half-second.  While he snores in his recliner for the 7th hour in a row, you have done 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made bread, made a cake, wiped up a half gallon of juice the kids spilled, quieted the dogs a dozen times, drooled over the cake, ate a piece of the cake, ate the rest of the cake, cried into the cake crumbs wondering why your marriage is over, washed the cake plate, started dinner, realized you have nothing for dessert and made another cake, and finally woke him up to make sure he was still breathing.  As he comes to, groggy and smelling like sweat socks, he grins up at you and says, “I love spending my weekends with you”.  Resist the urge to cram cake up his nose.

1) His sex drive drops dead but laundry is forever.  That one is self-explanatory. 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011. All Rights Reserved. No duplication or distribution.

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