B - Borrow something from a neighbor or your in-laws and it will immediately start smoking and blow up.
C - Cut your last piece of cloth, ribbon, tape, etc., and it will be a quarter-inch too short.
D - Dip biscotti in coffee and whether or not the end falls off into the cup depends entirely upon the importance of the person sitting across from you.
E - Expect to step into the only mud puddle in the tri-state region on the one day you decided to step out of the house in silk shoes.
F - Forget a name and be sure that person will remember you from that job where you got fired.
G - Go for a walk on a sunny day and a sudden torrential downpour will plaster your hair to your scalp while you’re running like mad for shelter.
H - Have your spouse’s boss over for dinner and he will be allergic to the dog, the centerpiece, and half the menu.
I - Impress someone with your abilities, candor, skills, or wit and there will always be someone right behind to tell you about the poppy seeds in your teeth.
J - Junk: that useless crap you throw away 2 days before you need it.
K - Knowing the answer does not guarantee that someone won’t change the question.
L - Look stunningly beautiful in public and you will not see a soul you know. Look like a frazzled, un-showered mental patient and you will run into your friends, your family, your kid’s tutor, your ex-boyfriend, your third grade teacher…
M - Mention a commercial you thought was funny and not only will no one know what on earth you’re talking about, the darn TV/radio station will never play it again.
N - Nothing sends you to your deathbed faster than saying, “Who, me? Nah, I never get the flu.”
O - Open a new jar of mayonnaise and you’ll suddenly find 3 more in the refrigerator.
P - Phone a friend you haven’t seen in a while and whatever the time of day, you will be calling when they’re in the middle of fighting, sex, eating, or planning a funeral.
Q - Quiet: knowing that your kids are up to something.
R - Running away from your problems only makes you tired with problems.
S - Show up at work on time and nobody notices. Show up late once and that’s the day the boss came in early.
T - Tell the world what a great kid you have and five minutes later, he’ll break a window.
U - Umbrella in hand means no rain. Umbrella behind the couch, under the car seat, or left in the grocery store means rain so legendary the animals marching past you two-by-two will actually laugh at you.
V - Voice your opinion to a five year old and you’ll hear about it from the neighbors.
W - Wear a white shirt and someone will invariably serve spaghetti.
X - Xenophobic in-laws will show up unannounced on the night you planned to serve boeuf en croute.
Y - Yo-yo: a child’s toy so simple even adults can’t do it.
Z - Zippers will hold your pants/skirt/jacket in perfect neatness … until you have to speak in front of a crowd.
© Bertha Grizzly 2011. All Rights Reserved. No duplication or distribution.
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