Friday, August 26, 2011

Bertha’s Alphabet™: The “ABC’s” of Murphy’s Law

A - After you buy something full price, it will go on sale at 75% off.

B - Borrow something from a neighbor or your in-laws and it will immediately start smoking and blow up. 

C - Cut your last piece of cloth, ribbon, tape, etc., and it will be a quarter-inch too short. 

D - Dip biscotti in coffee and whether or not the end falls off into the cup depends entirely upon the importance of the person sitting across from you.       

E - Expect to step into the only mud puddle in the tri-state region on the one day you decided to step out of the house in silk shoes.   

F - Forget a name and be sure that person will remember you from that job where you got fired.  

G - Go for a walk on a sunny day and a sudden torrential downpour will plaster your hair to your scalp while you’re running like mad for shelter. 

H - Have your spouse’s boss over for dinner and he will be allergic to the dog, the centerpiece, and half the menu.  

I - Impress someone with your abilities, candor, skills, or wit and there will always be someone right behind to tell you about the poppy seeds in your teeth.    

J - Junk: that useless crap you throw away 2 days before you need it.    

K - Knowing the answer does not guarantee that someone won’t change the question. 

L - Look stunningly beautiful in public and you will not see a soul you know.   Look like a frazzled, un-showered mental patient and you will run into your friends, your family, your kid’s tutor, your ex-boyfriend, your third grade teacher…

M - Mention a commercial you thought was funny and not only will no one know what on earth you’re talking about, the darn TV/radio station will never play it again. 

N - Nothing sends you to your deathbed faster than saying, “Who, me?  Nah, I never get the flu.”

O - Open a new jar of mayonnaise and you’ll suddenly find 3 more in the refrigerator.

P - Phone a friend you haven’t seen in a while and whatever the time of day, you will be calling when they’re in the middle of fighting, sex, eating, or planning a funeral. 

Q - Quiet: knowing that your kids are up to something.

R - Running away from your problems only makes you tired with problems. 

S - Show up at work on time and nobody notices.  Show up late once and that’s the day the boss came in early.

T - Tell the world what a great kid you have and five minutes later, he’ll break a window.

U - Umbrella in hand means no rain.  Umbrella behind the couch, under the car seat, or left in the grocery store means rain so legendary the animals marching past you two-by-two will actually laugh at you.

V - Voice your opinion to a five year old and you’ll hear about it from the neighbors.

W - Wear a white shirt and someone will invariably serve spaghetti.

X - Xenophobic in-laws will show up unannounced on the night you planned to serve boeuf en croute. 

Y - Yo-yo: a child’s toy so simple even adults can’t do it.

Z - Zippers will hold your pants/skirt/jacket in perfect neatness … until you have to speak in front of a crowd. 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments become the sole property of Bertha Grizzly. Positive comments always welcome. Negative comments may be deleted, ridiculed, or made the uncredited, uncompensated, unwitting topic of a future blog post.