13) Suspenders. The only people who ever looked good in suspenders were Debbie Gibson and Charles Ingalls. Everyone else just looks like a fat fur trader in pants purchased from Mrs. Olsen’s mercantile.
12) Socks with sandals. Unless you’re a six-year-old girl with white ankle socks and little white sandals with bows on them, just say no. I don’t care how cute the socks are. I don’t care how cold your feet are. I don’t care who told you it looked good. I don’t care what your reasoning is, you look ridiculous. And no matter what you think, there is no way you can escape looking like a middle-aged tourist. Seriously … say no.
11) Tights with Capri pants. Capri pants afford the modest coverage of a pant while offering the breezy coolness of shorts. The purpose of Capri pants is to hit mid-calf thereby exposing the lower portion of one’s leg. Wearing tights does not: a) “dress them up” in any way, b) fool anyone into thinking you are wearing slacks, c) look remotely attractive.
10) Sneakers/tennis shoes with a dress and pantyhose. If your feet are in such excruciating pain that you cannot wear cushioned flats, ballet slippers, or even sturdy “nurse shoes”, get thee to a podiatrist and ride like the wind.
9) Fanny packs. Yes, they are a hands-free accessory. Yes, they are a one-size option for everyone from the bean pole to the polar bear. Yes, they are the ugliest, goofiest, most embarrassing thing to come out of America since spray-on hair in a can.
8) Booty shorts. We’re all so happy for you that you have a luscious booty. We just don’t want to see it hanging out the back of your shorts. It’s gross.
7) Booty cleavage. It’s a polite way to say “butt crack”. Nobody wants to see your butt crack. And if your butt crack is wrinkled, hairy, jiggly, or exhibiting excessive moles … have some self-respect, people!
6) The “Braless Sway”. I understand your belief that “Freedom of Movement” should be included in the Bill of Rights, but the rest of us who have to see you have a different opinion. This is not an attractive look for anyone, especially for those of you who seem to be proud of the fact that your … ahem … “Braless Sway” can serve as a lap quilt upon sitting.
5) Claw fingernails. Manicures? Love ’em. Acrylic nails? Awesome. Nails so long you need a weapons permit? Absolutely not. They’re ugly, impractical, unsanitary, and just how on earth are you supposed to … never mind.
4) The sideways visor. First you raided Grandpa’s closet. Then you wore his favorite golf accessory in public. Now you’ve turned it sideways so nothing but your left ear is shaded from the sunlight. Sweet, bro. (not)
3) White-guy dreads. It’s the “smellavision” of hairstyles: it just wasn’t meant to be. White-guy dreads always look dirty, always look messy, and always make me wonder about lice. I’m just saying ...
2) “Gangsta” pants. Americans aren’t getting fatter. The clothing manufacturers are having to produce men’s jeans in a size 64/34 in mass quantities thanks to misguided teenagers who think they look good. I’m sorry to break it to you, but if you have to squat, lean backwards, and reach deep behind your knees to locate your wallet, ain’t nobody thinkin’ u fly, homedog.
1) Knee-hi stockings with shorts. Attention all ladies born before 1960. I realize your knee-hi stockings are a convenience. I realize when you look down, all you see is the hem of your shorts/culottes and smooth, tanned legs. I realize this younger generation needs to take more pride in dressing themselves. But please, I beg you, I implore you in the name of all that is sacred: Do. Not. Wear. Knee-hi stockings. With. Shorts.
© Bertha Grizzly 2011. All Rights Reserved. No duplication or distribution.