Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Bertha’s Alphabet™: The "ABC's" of Marriage (N-Z)

N is for “No FREAKIN’ Way!” As romantic and surreal as your engagement and wedding seemed at the time, you wake up one day and realize that the dream lover you married has bed head, morning breath, a grumpy disposition, and some really stupid ideas.  Considering that you probably have your own bed head, morning breath, grumpy disposition, and really stupid ideas, the likelihood of a squabble is inevitable.  “No FREAKIN’ way!” is going to be the answer to several brilliant plans: forgoing Christmas presents so we can buy “us” a new lawn tractor, converting the garage into a potpourri-scented craft room, selling the dining room furniture to make room for a new foosball table, going to a blender demonstration instead of that lame football party … well, you get the idea.

O is for Over and Over. Don’t be surprised at the number of times you have to repeat yourself or the fact that you’ll have to remind him 346,922,810,675,519,248 times that you hate onion rings.  You’ve hated onion rings since you were 5 years old.  You’ve hated onion rings since the day he met you.  You’ve hated onion rings every time he’s begged/forced you to try one.  You will hate onion rings until the day you die.  You are seriously considering getting a tattoo of an onion ring with a line through it.  And the next time he acts shocked to “discover” that you hate onion rings you’ll be better prepared now that I’ve warned you.  (Did I mention that I hate onion rings?)

P is for Poverty. Ahh, adulthood.  Nothing lets you know you are fully grown like an empty bank account and a boring Friday night at home with the TV and a bowl of cereal.  To get through this time, refer to the letter “L”. 

Q is for Quality Time, and the violently differing opinions on what that means exactly.  You think it means holding hands over a romantic dinner before he takes you in his arms and tells you that you are the most beautiful, amazing woman God ever put on the earth.  He thinks it means snoring in the recliner while you cook his biscuits and gravy. 

R is for “Really?!” That word you’re going to say at least a hundred times as you discover unfortunate, bizarre, and downright hair raising factoids about your spouse over the next umpteen years. 

S is for Silence.  It’s amazing how when you’re dating, silence is something horrible you avoid like the plague.  Now that you’ve been together for so long, you can actually sit in the same room or the same car in total silence and it’s OK.  He knows you’re there.  You know he’s there.  And if you have nothing to say, the world is not over. 

T is for Tunes.  You will never, ever, ever agree on music.  You think Queen is the best rock group in history and he has the nerve to think Kurt Cobain and his depressing, minor key durges rule.  And, I’ll have him know, Elvis is NOT over-rated, Louis Armstrong CAN sing, and … sorry, that’s a sore wound for me.

U is for Underwear.  The longer you’ve been married, the uglier the underwear gets.  Honeymoon equals brand new skivvies.  Ten year anniversary equals comfy old reliables you won’t get rid of until they get at least 3 more holes.

V is for Valentine’s Day.  That over-rated stinking holiday that husbands forget about once the ink is dry on the marriage license.  Besides, who needs stupid diamonds, dark chocolate, love notes, or a sexy slow dance? 

W is for “We”. You will find yourself saying this over and over throughout the years.  “We love this house.”  “We can’t stand that restaurant.”  “We had the best time!”  And, weird as it sounds, you’ll be right most of the time.

X is for eX-girlfriends who scarred him for life.  “Don’t microwave popcorn!  Annie used to do that before she had one of her panic attacks!”  “You’re getting up early to go to a farmers’ market?  Monica used to do that before she would cheat on me.”  “You know I hate cake.  Tiffany wrote, ‘We’re done, Loser’ on my birthday cake.”  My favorite response to that is, “I’m more sane than Annie, more faithful than Monica, and apparently, more desperate than Tiffany.”  Snaps him back to reality like that.  

Y is for Years that crawl and fly by at the same time.  Someone says, “How long have you been married?”.  When you answer with “10 years”, it won’t feel that long.  But the next time he washes a snow white shirt in the dark load because it has a dime-sized navy flower on the collar, you’ll scream “I’ve been telling you for 10 YEARS to leave my laundry alone!” … and it will feel every DAY of 10 years.

Z is for Zzzzzzz … the sound you’ll hear when you’re in the mood and he’s exhausted from working on the car all day.  Get it?  Exhausted?  Hahaha … ok that one deserved some zzzzz’s of its own. 

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

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