Friday, September 16, 2011

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: Tips for Drivers

     Driving is like cooking: we’ve all attempted it at one point or another.  Some of us have a real knack, some of us get by, and some of us shouldn’t be allowed within 10 feet of trying.  Fabulous, mediocre, or just plain inept, driving is one of the unavoidable facets of our lives that we just have to learn to deal with.   

     Unfortunately, our own safety, blood pressure, and punctuality often depend largely on the skill or ineptitude of others.  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s the Tips for Drivers list:

13) Taking corners on two wheels is stupid but so is slowing down to the point your speedometer is forced to display in fractions.  Two wheels = jerk.  Fractions = senile jerk.   

12) Slamming on the gas when I put on my signal light to change lanes is not only rude, it also wastes gasoline and puts you at your destination a mere .0000000004 seconds sooner.  Happy now?

11) The left lane is the passing lane.  It is not a mobile billboard for you to tout the über-righteousness of your rigid, never-speeding, compulsively law-abiding credo. 

10) If you have to talk, text, eat, apply makeup, change your pants, and drive all at the same time, you need to seriously loosen up your schedule there, partner.  You are not the wonder of a multi-tasker you think you are so just stop it before you hurt somebody. 

9) Yes, I realize the bambis and bunnies hang out on this side of town, but driving 35 mph under the speed limit so you can see them is a) pointless, b) rude, c) selfish, d) outright dangerous to humans.  Speed up or give your car to the poor, swear off bathing, and go live among the woodland critters.

8) Your car is running on fumes.  Guess what!  So is mine!  We have so much in common we should have lunch sometime!  So how come when I pull up behind you at the gas station, you stop at the first pump?  You couldn’t even pull forward 8 feet for me?  I thought what we had was special. 

7) Just because you have one hand on the wheel and one hand on the cell phone/GPS/kids’ DVD controls does not in any way excuse you from pretending your signal light is missing.   

6) I think it’s amazing you spent 4 months of child support payments on a stereo system that is worth three times as much as your car, and if you would like to be dependant upon hearing aids by the time you are 40, that is your business.  However, the fact that the bass is making the plastic, fiberglass, and loose mechanics of your pitiful car buzz and vibrate is not only irritating, it lets people know how little money you truly have.   

5) Don’t have GPS?  That’s OK!  Not familiar with this road?  Fine by me!  Not sure where you’re supposed to turn?  I totally understand.  PULL OVER to the shoulder or stop in a gas station for directions.  Slowing down to 11 mph while you swerve from lane to lane is rude, dangerous, and endlessly aggravating.

4) The speed limit on this highway is 70 mph.  I’m driving 77.  So why are you so far up my butt I can actually see your blackheads in my rearview mirror?!  Huh?!

3) Parking lots have “lanes” just like a regular road.  Do not cut the corner, turn into the lot, meet me head-on and then glare at me like I’m in your way.  Move over Grandpa!  The NERVE!!  And if you honk your horn, oh it’s just over.

2) I realize your 100 year old granny has a bad hip.  I understand she’s too proud for assistance so you have to let her out at the door.  But you, with your able-bodied legs, are perfectly capable of parking and walking to the door.  So why do you find it acceptable to park yourself in the fire lane, block traffic, and wait?  I bet you have a toilet paper wand because you’re too lazy to wipe your own rear end, don't you?!

1) You do realize your car has clear glass windows, right?  So why for the love of all that is sacred do you dig in your nose like a sino-nasal spelunker on a dare? 
© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

No comments:

Post a Comment

All comments become the sole property of Bertha Grizzly. Positive comments always welcome. Negative comments may be deleted, ridiculed, or made the uncredited, uncompensated, unwitting topic of a future blog post.