Friday, October 21, 2011

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: MORE Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die

     Some time ago, I posted a Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™ list called “Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die”.  I was SHOCKED by how many of my readers responded!  Evidently, I am not the only one whose eyes have been permanently traumatized, and I thank you for your group-therapy mentality and comforting words.     

      You challenged me to take another look around and report more of the cornea-searing, lip-snarling blunders I encountered.  Well, Letterman has his ten; Bertha has her Bakers Dozen … and this time, it’s MORE Fashion Blunders I Wish Would Die:

13) Overalls.  Do you work on a farm?  Are you a firefighter?  Are you a 2-year old boy?  Are you channeling “Kriss Kross” at a retro-themed Halloween party?  No?  Then STOP wearing overalls.  They are not flattering and you look ridiculous.     

12) Flip flops with a shirt and tie.  I love flip flops as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place for everything.  This particular combination is not only stupid, it looks like your house caught fire while you were getting ready for work and those flip flops were the only shoes you could grab before the flaming roof fell on your head.

11) Mullet.  I’ve heard it referred to as “party in the front, business in the back”.  Bull.  It’s just ugly all over. 

10) White socks with black shoes.  There is a good reason Hollywood dresses its stereotypical nerd characters in this combination.  I realize white socks are abundant, but stores do sell black ones.

9) Short, short, shorts with a long, long shirt.  In case you weren’t aware, this particular combination makes people think you are out in public with nothing but a shirt on and need to be carted back to the mental facility as soon as possible.  If this is the look you are going for, then you need to be carted back to the mental facility as soon as possible.       

8) Over-tweezed eyebrows.  For years, I was certain this sin belonged to elderly women, but now I am seeing younger girls doing it!  What is the allure of having an eyebrow that looks like a half-inch section of dryer lint and glue was trapped over your eye?      

7) Pants under a skirt/dress.  This one is so bizarre, I can barely fathom it.  I’m not talking about tights, hose, or even stirrup pants … I’m talking a skirt or a dress with real, live, honest-to-goodness pants underneath.  I once saw a girl out in public who had on the prettiest dress I’d ever seen.  It wasn’t too fussy, the print was subtle, and the wrap front was gorgeous.  As I lamented my insane height that would surely render that hemline somewhere slightly below my belly button, the girl stepped out from behind the table where she had been standing.  Underneath this dream of a dress was a pair of corduroy pants, frayed cuffs and all.  I wanted to cry. 

6) Curlers and a head scarf.  We all know your hair is up in curlers, so don’t think the scarf is hiding that fact.  I’m all for multi-tasking, but if you have to simultaneously do your hair and shop for groceries, it’s time to loosen up the schedule a little bit.       

5) White tights on anyone over 8 years old.  I actually saw this in public and I cried a little.  I’m not certain where a grown woman can even find white tights in adult sizes, but that company should be ashamed of itself.     

4) Sockless penny loafers with shorts.  Restaurants, amusement parks, shopping malls: they are crawling with middle-aged men who think this is a good look.  Well, it’s not. 

3) Matching outfits.  This might be cute on newborn twins.  It might promote unity on a sports team.  But if you and your spouse are dressed that way on purpose, don’t be surprised when no one on earth takes you seriously.     

2) Helmet hair.  I love hairspray.  I grew up in a hairspray-loving family.  Nanny used to fog up in enough hairspray to freeze Air Jordan mid-dunk.  But seriously, if you have so much glue in your hair that it becomes a crunchy, rigid monument affixed to your scalp, you have not fooled anyone into thinking you have perfect hair.     

1) The water-balloon.  I will not be the one to point fingers, so I will simply make a statement: Spandex has its limits.  Spandex is not a replacement for a girdle.  Spandex cannot hide hail-damaged thighs that look like a cross between corn pudding and a hand-hammered wok.  

© Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution.

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