Friday, October 28, 2011

Bertha’s Bakers Dozen ™: MORE Questions for the Ages

     As with many of my blog posts and Bertha’s Bakers Dozen TM lists, I was amazed at how many of you responded!  It is nice to  know that I am not the only one privy to the weirdness around us.  It is in your honor, dear loyal readers, that I present to you installment number two in my Bertha’s Bakers Dozen TM Questions for the Ages list.   

13) Why do the movie versions of Jesus and space aliens always have British accents?  The last time I checked, Jesus was from Bethlehem and Captain Zorfz-Chaputdnk was from the deserted planet Hwoaf-Nert.  How in the world did the Brits get there before we did? 

12) Why do stores start carrying Christmas items in August, but have it all cleared out by December 28 to make room for swimsuits?  As weird as it may feel to buy ornaments in the summer heat, it can’t possibly be any more bizarre than shopping for beachwear in the midst of a snowstorm.   

11) Who invented baby washcloths?  One trip through the wash and they permanently roll up to the approximate diameter of a breadstick.  Ever tried washing a baby with a breadstick?    

10) Why do meat prices fluctuate based on popularity?  When I was a kid, stores were practically giving away chicken wings and hamburger meat, while “loin of pork” was reserved for extremely special company.  Now, chicken wings are ridiculously expensive, hamburger meat is almost the same price as a steak, and “loin of pork” is dirt cheap.  I say we all join forces and drive the popularity of scrapple through the roof so prime rib will become the new bologna.   

9) Why was Mike Brady such a bad architect?  Think about it: the man was an idiot.  He’s got six kids, a wife, and a housekeeper, yet he builds a 3-bedroom house and makes the maid to sleep in the kitchen.  What’s worse than that is the fact that the kids have to share a bathroom with pocket doors separating the two rooms.  You’d be waiting for hours just to pee.  That office he built for himself was bigger than the two bedroom/one bathroom combo the kids had to share.  

8) Why do we have to be so politically correct about everything?  I for one absolutely, positively, defiantly REFUSE to say “snowperson”.  Unless it’s wearing snowflake earrings and an icicle tiara, I will continue to refer to it as a snowMAN.  I am a proud member of MANkind, I have no insecurities or offenses being a committee chairMAN, and I will forever think of Frosty as a snowMAN.  Snowperson.  Barf.     

7) Why are women’s products and services so much more expensive than men’s?  My hair is the same length as the paper boy and I’ll bet a week’s worth of wet newspapers he spends less on his mane than I do on mine. 

6) Why is every accident/disease/misfortune on earth “the leading cause of death” for some group or another?  Being run over by a truck is the number one cause of death for plastered college students who wrap themselves in black lawn and leaf bags and lay in the middle of the road at 4am.  Being smothered by a fat chick is the number one cause of death for size-2 sales ladies who roll their eyes and snort, “Oh, we don’t carry anything in this store to fit your butt.”   

5) Why do advertisers feel the need to make numbers sound bigger or smaller than they really are?  I heard a commercial for a used car lot that screamed, “We have over seven models to choose from!!!!!!”  Over seven?  You mean like eight?  Or how about those pay-by-the-month plans for various services and products that boast, “Less than a dollar a day!”  Aaaaaand what does that mean exactly?  Twenty-nine ninety-five perhaps?  What about February?

4) Why do we confuse the heck out of our children?  I once had a friend who would say, “No-no for babies” whenever her kid would reach for the DVD player, but would turn around and say, “You’re not a baby!” when he would cry for his pacifier.  It is any wonder we have kids throwing tantrums of frustration when they’re little and then growing up to rob convenience stores?

3) Why is there really no such thing as “speed dry” nail polish?  Every brand, every shade, every formula … it’s the same story.  It’s like wearing modeling clay on your fingernails.  Sure, it might be “dry” in the academic sense in that it is no longer technically “wet”, but one false move and your “dry” polish is permanently dented, misshapen, or formed into some other-worldly origami.  Forget “speed dry”.  I want “dent proof”.     

2) Why have restaurants given names to their dishes longer than the roll call in first grade?  Honestly, they are more like a description than an actual name.  I mean, how stupid do you feel ordering?  “Yes, I’ll have the Seared Brined Chicken Breast with Hearts of Palm and Wilted Bok Choy Smothered in a Farm Fresh Organic Cream Sauce Enhanced by the Natural Juices of the Seared Brined Chicken Breast Served Over a Side of Creamy, Butter-Kissed Garlic Potatoes Accompanied by a Steamed Seasonal Vegetable Medley Lightly Seasoned with Fresh Herbs and Truffle Butter, please”. 

1) Why do dating websites never show those disgustingly happy couples after they’ve been married for 10 years?  This is the true test of how well their “matching system” works.  Wait until they’ve been together so long that she’s got stretch marks from so many kids, he “helps out” by sweeping the garage, their grocery budget is $35 a week, and they haven’t had sex since Dean Martin was on the Jerry Lewis telethon … if they still like each other, THEN you can tell me how great your website is.
 © Bertha Grizzly 2011.  All Rights Reserved.  No duplication or distribution

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